Let me set up the quote of the day. One student walks up to me and asks me what being gay means. I asked why he wanted to know, thinking someone had called him that. Before he could tell me another student says "If two boys go to bed together all the time, that's pretty gay". Wow. I mean I kind of agree but wow.
Now that I teach elementary PE we don't play much dodge ball. There are too many injuries! These younger kids just can't take a good ole dodge ball to the melon like a jr/senior high student can. Any time I talk about dodge ball it brings me back to one particular game....
A few years ago I co-taught a PE class with about 45 jr high boys in it.(I'll be telling several stories about this class later) One of the boys' favorite games was dodge ball, like every other boys PE class in America. They had even more fun if they could get the two coaches to play. I should have known better. I'm a very competitive person and I want to win every game I play no matter what it is, which is where this story goes bad.
As we're playing I'm knocking kids out left and right(remember they're only in the 7th grade) and the kids on my team start chanting my name. I went into the zone and totally forgot wear I was! I starting firing dodge balls off like missiles and they were connecting! Well I didn't notice that all of my team had been knocked out but me, AND the other team had all the dodge balls on their side.
There were about 5 boys left and they huddled up to make a game plan....oh wait what is that I see? An extra dodge ball in the corner! I ran over to get the ball and with every bit of strength I left, I chunked it right in the middle of their huddle.
This is where time seemed to stop....everything moved in slow motion...I saw most of the boys diving or scattering away.....except for one.....boom! If you take a look at the picture above this you can kind of get an idea of what happened next. I'm pretty sure the ball wrapped AROUND his head as it nailed him right in the face! He didn't even move once it hit him....until he fell straight backwards. I'm not going to lie, I thought he was dead. In my mind I'm wondering where I can start looking for a new job. I mean, can you go to jail for killing a student with a dodge ball?
The class went silent. I look at the other coach and he has his hands on his head in disbelief. The everyone burst into laughter, including the kid I hit with the ball. Oh praise the lord! He's not dead!!! I still have a job! BUT lesson learned, do NOT play dodge ball with the students anymore....well maybe.
One day during PE I asked the kids to tell me their favorite foods. It was all a part of a game we were supposed to play. It kinda went something like this:
Me: What is your favorite type of food
Student 1: Chinese food
Student 2: Umm.....Chinese food
Student 3: Oreos
Student 4: Chinese food
Student 5: Tootsie Rolls
Student 6: McDonald's
Student 7: Chinese food
Student 8: Tacos
Student 9: Helichopiters Me: What flavor? Student 9: Chocolate
Me: What is your favorite drink?
Student 1: Chocolate milk
Student 2: Umm.....Chocolate milk
Student 3: Sprite
Student 1: Can I change mine to Sprite?
Student 2: Umm...yeah me too!
Student 4: Chinese food
Student 5: Juice Me: What kind of juice? Student 5: Just juice. Me: Oh ok.
Student 6: Coca Cola!!!
Student 7: Sprite
Student 8: Strawberry milk
Student 9: Can I go to the baffroom?
You have to love 1st graders!
I thought I saw a completely selfless act from one of my students the other day. Turns out I was wrong. A student came into the gym complaining because she lost her ticket(we pass them out for good behavior). She said she looked everywhere and couldn't find it. This is normally a very well behaved student so I believed her. She was almost in tears until one of her classmates said she could have his ticket. The little girl was thrilled until she found out the it was actually her ticket to begin with....her name was even written on it. Did he really think he was going to get away with that? Well she repaid him with a judo chop right to the neck! He dropped like a sack of potatoes and they both got in trouble....but she got her ticket back!
As one of the first grade classes was walking(running) into the gym I noticed one little boy was crying. I looked at him and then at the teacher....she just shook her head and said let him sit out for a little while until he's calmed down. Well I let Kenny sit on the bleachers while the rest of the class went through their stretch routine. We were far enough into the year that they could sleep walk through the routine so I left them and decided to find out what was wrong with Kenny.
I walked up to him and he was still in a full on snot bubbling cry, so I just asked him what was wrong. He looked at me and said something that I never thought I would hear. "Coach, somebody stole my penis!" What!?!!?! I immediately started cracking up and that didn't help matters at all. He just cried harder! I finally composed myself enough to ask him what he meant and he told me that he went to use the bathroom and it was gone! I lost it again! I almost fell off the bleachers laughing. Kenny was not finding the humor in his missing anatomy so I had to try to pull it together again.
Now I know it was a cold morning and the boy's bathroom is pretty chilly so I assumed that had something to do with the runaway penis. I told Kenny that it was ok and it would most likely come back on it's own. Kinda like a runaway dog ends up back at home. That apparently was all he needed to hear. He wiped away the snot and tears and was ready for PE.
My first full day as an elementary PE teacher(second overall) was not what I would call fun! I had about 8 classes with at least 25 kids a piece...but some had as many as 40. Let's just say I was ready to retire about 1 1/2 days into my second year. I was basically having culture shock. Moving from high school to elementary is kind of like moving from.....Louisiana to Hawaii. I definitely wasn't prepared for the foul mouthed 3rd grader I was about to meet.
As the 3rd graders marched in I noticed one girl doing her own thing. She took her sweet time and I was watching every bit of it. I finally had enough and told her she had about 3 seconds to sit down with everyone else. Her response was "shut the hell up you white mother ******"........wait what did she just say? Did I just hear this girl right? Surely not. No, of course not. I looked at the other kids who were also in disbelief and then my mindset changed from shock to anger. My first thought was to crane kick her right in the mouth ala Daniel Son in Karate Kid. I'm pretty sure I even played the scene out in my head but decided against it. Next thought was to go for a Spock pressure point maneuver, again a bad idea.
This was the first of many confrontations she and I had. They usually ended up with the same result, squating or doing situps until sweat and tears were mixing. She only made it a couple months at our school before being sent to the Alternative School, but thanks to that dear sweet child I will never forget my first day as an elementary PE teacher.